[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
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I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Tough love is true love
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Mmmm canned fish.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.