Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
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Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like