*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
You Might Also Like
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Britain be like
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place