That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
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Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Think I pulled my liver
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.