[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
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There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.