ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
You Might Also Like
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!