Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
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for all #parents out there
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
he chose this
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
I’d rather fork than spoon.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.