Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
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I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.