*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
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You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair