ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
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some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.