I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
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They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS