*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
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if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”