Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
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[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
PLOT TWIST:
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers