You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
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The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.