My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
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*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Cat is stressing him out.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.