It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
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My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.