I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
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Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
I pray every night that I never become religious…
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.