You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
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[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends