[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
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*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats