I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
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I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”