No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
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My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.