Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
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Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
My blood type is b hungry.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”