Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
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*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Was it something I said?
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.