Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
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Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
no
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Haha! 😂
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”