[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
You Might Also Like
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The Sun’s probably Asian.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO