Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
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Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Reporter: *ports again*
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity