My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
You Might Also Like
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped