I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
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Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Venn
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.