why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
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Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life