the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
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[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Who says great literature is dead?
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.