You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
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*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Looking at you, Jesus.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”