Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
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I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
never compromise your values
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror