God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
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I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
What the hell is going on?
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short