Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
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ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840