him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
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I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
I gave up going to work for lent.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?