Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
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I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.