My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
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It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier