Me too door. Me too.
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sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
they finally got him. they got macavity
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
sleeping beauty
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …