My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
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The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Netflix and awkward silence?
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog