[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
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That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
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I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Sticker placement is key.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
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no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
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*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
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me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
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