I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
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Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!