Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
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what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
You know…for fall…
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
*cough*