Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
You Might Also Like
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
“No way.” -Jose
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.