Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
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I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.