why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
You Might Also Like
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-