(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
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A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Heroic Misunderstanding
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though