Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
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United Steaks of America
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.