Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
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ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
adding to the discourse
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.