I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
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Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”