When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
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MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Worlds greatest photobomb
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said